I think I suffer from it. I want to collect thoughts about it. I should see a therapist
The annoying thing about mood disorder is how much cognitive / rational work I continually have to do in order to keep myself convinced about things that a) I like and b) are good for me.
As in, I know that this certain set of things are indeed things that enthuse me and I enjoy - even if I'm entirely anhedonic at the present moment.
It's fucking exhausting, like needing to continually switch from autopilot to manual for keeping my personality from de-rezzing.
Like dynamic RAM that needs a regular refresh operation to ensure it retains data, except that the refresh operation has to be done by the CPU because the refresh circuit has evaporated from the memory controller.
So easy to latch onto the present mood as a generalized existential statement about whatever I'm trying to spend attention on
It's a dirty window that I just can't seem to clean.
Seems like an achievement to realize it's the window that's relaying corrupted signal, though.